~Post your CLEAN-JOKES here!~

For all of your non-fishing related conversations. If it's not about fishing, or you want to "test" the forum, post it here.
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BentRod
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RE:~Post your CLEAN-JOKES here!~

Post by BentRod » Thu Jul 16, 2009 11:00 am

The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF)


These boys will be dropped off in Afghanistan and have been given only the following facts about terrorists :

1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit..
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt .

The Pentagon expects the problem in Afghanistan to be over by Friday.


:rambo: :salut:

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racfish
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RE:~Post your CLEAN-JOKES here!~

Post by racfish » Fri Jul 17, 2009 2:21 pm

Hahahahaha.. Very good,
When youre up to your rear end in alligators,its hard to remember that the initial plan was to drain the swamp.

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BassinBomber
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RE:~Post your CLEAN-JOKES here!~

Post by BassinBomber » Fri Jul 17, 2009 11:20 pm

HaHa,..haven't checked on my own thread in awhile,..these replies are hilarious,..you guys/gals are great!

TGL-BB
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Jennifer
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RE:~Post your CLEAN-JOKES here!~

Post by Jennifer » Fri Jul 24, 2009 5:36 pm

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.
He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning.
"I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a
louder knock follows.
"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.
So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and
there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to
realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??"
"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the
door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she
says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you.
Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick
the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house
to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get
lost??"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the
right thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed
and goes downstairs.
He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he
shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??"
And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"
And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing."

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Jennifer
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RE:~Post your CLEAN-JOKES here!~

Post by Jennifer » Fri Jul 24, 2009 5:41 pm

Two guys are out hunting deer...

The first guy says, "Did you see that?...pointing to the sky."
"No," the second guy says.
"Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead!" the first guy says.
"Oh," says the second guy.

A couple of minutes later, pointing to a far ridge, the first guy says, "Did you see that?"
"See what?" the second guy asks.
"Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there!"
"Yah, Ok", says the second guy again with a bit of irritation in his voice.

A few minutes later the first guy says: "Did you see that?"
This time pointing behind them.

By now, the second guy is getting very aggravated and says, "Yah, I SAW IT!"

And the first guy says: "Then why did you step in it?"

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tommytitan08
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RE:~Post your CLEAN-JOKES here!~

Post by tommytitan08 » Fri Jul 24, 2009 6:58 pm

ahhhhh.....nice jennnnay, very nice.
" It is far better to be judged by 12 than to be carried by 6 "

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Mike Carey
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RE:~Post your CLEAN-JOKES here!~

Post by Mike Carey » Fri Jul 24, 2009 9:23 pm

thanks, I needed a good laugh! :cheese:
Image

"Takers get the honey, Givers sing the blues".

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BassinBomber
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RE:~Post your CLEAN-JOKES here!~

Post by BassinBomber » Fri Jul 24, 2009 10:45 pm

Very good Jennifer!

BB
Last edited by Anonymous on Fri Jul 24, 2009 10:46 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"Passion-4-Bassin"

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Big D
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RE:~Post your CLEAN-JOKES here!~

Post by Big D » Tue Jul 28, 2009 4:07 am

A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacks her very first golf shot through the window of th biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringes and says 'I warned you to be careful, Now we are going to have to go up there and find the owner and apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us"

So they walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice says 'Come on in"

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, Are you the people that broke my window?

"Uh, yes sir. We sure are sorry about that" the husband replied. "Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I have been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you have released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I will give each one of you one wish, but if you don't mind, I will keep the last wish for myself.

"Wow, thats great" the husband said. He pondered for a moment or two and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life"

"No problem" said the genie. "You've got it, its the least that I can do. And I'll guarentee you a nice long and healthy life"

And now young lady, what do you want, the genie asked. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world", she said.

"Consider it done", the genie said. And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary, and natural disasters".

"And now" the couple said in unison, "whats your wish, genie"

The genie looked at the husband and said, "Well, I have been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, and my wish is to make love to your wife".

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?

The wife mulled it over for a few minutes and said, "You know, your right. considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

"You know I love you sweatheart", said the husband. "I'd do the same for you".

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. the genie was insatiable.

After about three hours or so of non-stop love making, the genie rolled over and looked directly into the woman's eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we are both 35", she responded breathlessly, why do you ask?.

Wow...I can't believe it you're both thirty five years old and you still believe in genies
Last edited by Anonymous on Tue Jul 28, 2009 5:15 am, edited 1 time in total.
Bragging may not bring happiness, but no man having caught a large fish goes home through an alley.
Fair Winds & Following Seas.
Big D

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fishaholictaz
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RE:~Post your CLEAN-JOKES here!~

Post by fishaholictaz » Tue Jul 28, 2009 7:10 am

Roflmao that is a good one D:cheers:
A fisherman= A JERK ON ONE END OF A FISHING POLE WAITING FOR A JERK ON THE OTHER!!
Hello, my name is Tim and I am addicted to fishing!
Coming to you from Wyoming!!!
Photo bucket

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BentRod
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RE:~Post your CLEAN-JOKES here!~

Post by BentRod » Wed Jul 29, 2009 11:48 am

Who Wants to be a Millionaire?

A contestant, Sally, on 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?'had reached the final plateau.

If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered
incorrectly, she would pocket only the $25,000 Milestone money.
And as she suspected the Million Dollar Question was no Pushover.

It was, 'Which of the following species of birds does not build Its own Nest but
instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?

Is It:

A) the condor
B) the buzzard
C) the cuckoo
D) the vulture

The woman was on the spot..... She did not know the answer.

She had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Ask the Audience Lifeline.....all
that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline.
She hoped she would not have to use it because........
Her friend was, well, a blonde.

But she had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her
The Question and the four choices. The blonde responded Unhesitatingly:
'That's easy.... The answer is C: the cuckoo.'
The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast.

She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving anyanswer except
the one that her friend had given her. And considering her friend was a
blonde that would seem to be
The Logical thing to do. But her friend had responded with suchconfidence,
such certitude, that the contestant could not help but beconvinced.
Crossing her fingers the contestant said, 'C: The cuckoo.'

'Is that your final answer?'

'Yes, that is my final answer.' 'That answer is absolutely correct!
You are now a millionaire!' Three days later, the contestant hosted a
party for her familyand friends, including the blonde who had helped
her win the Million Dollars.'Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you,
'said the Contestant. 'How did you happen to know the right answer?'

'Oh, come on,' said the blonde... 'Everybody knows that cuckoos don't
build nests. They live in clocks."

#-o

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Amx
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RE:~Post your CLEAN-JOKES here!~

Post by Amx » Wed Jul 29, 2009 11:50 am

Image
Tom.

Occupation: old
Interests: living

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BassinBomber
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RE:~Post your CLEAN-JOKES here!~

Post by BassinBomber » Fri Jul 31, 2009 5:15 am

HaHa,..BigD that was pretty good! LOL,..LOL!

BB
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AJ's Dad
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RE:~Post your CLEAN-JOKES here!~

Post by AJ's Dad » Thu Aug 06, 2009 7:42 am

The teacher starts the class off for the day talking about self asteem, and how everyone should feel good about themselves. At the end of her speech she says "Does anyone in the class feel stupid"? "If anyone thinks they are stupid please stand up". Little Johnny stands up. The teacher says "Do you think you're stupid Johnny"? Johnny says "No teacher, I just hated to see you standing up there all by yourself". Now that's a clean joke!
"The Pike Supremacist"

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AJ's Dad
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RE:~Post your CLEAN-JOKES here!~

Post by AJ's Dad » Thu Aug 06, 2009 7:48 am

OK, one more and I'm outta here.

A lady goes golfing for the first time. As she is leaving after her round of golf the club Pro comes out and asks her, "How did you like golfing"? She said it was fun but she didn't have the best day. The Pro asked, "What was so bad about it"? The lady told him she had gotten stung by a bee. The Pro asked, "Where did you get stung"? "Between the first and second hole" she replied. The Pro responded, "Maybe you should try closing up your stance a little".
"The Pike Supremacist"

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Amx
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RE:~Post your CLEAN-JOKES here!~

Post by Amx » Thu Aug 06, 2009 7:56 am

Image I'm NOT EVEN gonna respond to THAT one. Image

Image
Tom.

Occupation: old
Interests: living

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BentRod
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RE:~Post your CLEAN-JOKES here!~

Post by BentRod » Thu Aug 06, 2009 9:23 am

AJD,
Loved'em both! Very good.
Last edited by Anonymous on Thu Aug 06, 2009 9:23 am, edited 1 time in total.

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racfish
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RE:~Post your CLEAN-JOKES here!~

Post by racfish » Wed Aug 12, 2009 2:37 pm

Balance !!!

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.


He inquired, "Where have you been?"

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said. "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."

"Balance?" Inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while Southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things."

God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."



The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"



"That's Washington State, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of software."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance."



God smiled, "There's another Washington. Wait till you see the idiots I put there."
When youre up to your rear end in alligators,its hard to remember that the initial plan was to drain the swamp.

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skimpy
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RE:~Post your CLEAN-JOKES here!~

Post by skimpy » Thu Aug 13, 2009 8:03 pm

This guy is walking out of the hardware store and is met by a pan-handler who asks for some spare change. The guy asks him if he is going to spend the money on beer and the pan-handler says he quit drinking about 10 years ago. So he then asks if he is going to buy cigarettes and the pan-handler says he quit smoking about 15 years ago. So he asks if he is going to spend the money on fishing stuff and the pan-handler says he quit bass fishing about 20 years ago. So the guy asks the panhandler if he will come to his house for dinner to meet his wife and family. The pan-handler explains that he has not had a shower in a long time and that he is dirty and he stinks so it would be rude for him to come into the guy’s house. The guy says no it will be just perfect, I want my wife and family to see just what a man looks and smells like after he quits drinking, smoking and bass fishing!!!!
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Bisk1tSnGraV
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RE:~Post your CLEAN-JOKES here!~

Post by Bisk1tSnGraV » Thu Aug 13, 2009 8:16 pm

My wife sent this one to me at work ... she said just swap out camping with fishing and that was me ... hmmm where is the rope ... laughs.


Bubba was attending his truck club's monthly meeting and had just told them he couldn't make the camping trip scheduled for the next day because his
wife wouldn't let him go.

After listening to the jeers and other derisive remarks from his fellow 4x4 friends, Bubba left to go back home to his wife.

When Bubba's friends started arriving to set up camp the next day, who should be there but Bubba sitting up in front of his truck, tent up, fishing rod in hand, camp oven roast stewing away in a hot bed of coals.

"How'd you talk your wife into letting you go, Bubba?"

"I didn't have to," was Bubba's reply. "When I left the meeting I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then my wife
snuck up behind me, covered my eyes, and said, 'Surprise!'

"When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see-through negligee and she said, 'Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed, and you can do whatever you want.'

"So here I am!"
'course they don't have biscuits and gravy ... but if they did, I bet everyone would eat there.

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