by Scott T. Starbuck , November 28, 2015

As a charter captain, I caught sea bass on uninflated balloons. Yellow worked best, but I caught them on all colors. In those days, we bought yarn by the bolt in yarn shops, and mauve worked great for shrimp flies. An ice cream scoop made it easy to clean fish, and laundry baskets kept fish organized by who caught them. Currently, I use my wife’s wedding ring crappie fishing. This involves a little fibbing by telling her I am getting it cleaned, which I am, sort of, if you count pond water. Once I snagged it on a submerged log and it scared the hell out of me because nothing catches crappie like it. Below are other nontraditional tips for my fishing audience.



A broken watch is arguably the most important item. You can find one at most thrift stores. When your significant other is angry about you being late, merely point at it, shrug, and say, “I’m so sorry, Honey, it broke.” I found the effectiveness of this ploy wears off the more one uses it.

When rock fishing, always take a relative or friend with a weak stomach for chum. Begin the trip with a super greasy Denver omelet and you will soon have chum drawing fish near the boat. To enhance the distance and quantity of vomit, host a betting game. While he’s retching, ask other anglers to guess foods of origin by size of chunks, color, shape, and texture. It’s only ethical to recuse yourself from betting since you know the answers in advance.

Every serious angler needs a thermometer. This is not to take the water temp, as one may guess, but to provide cover for one’s ego when fish aren’t biting. Simply get it wet, draw it close to your nose, then scowl, “Aha, here’s why fish aren’t biting. The water temp is X.”

You need a two-headed quarter for when you meet another angler at exactly the same time in a one-person spot. The coin flip will determine who gets in. If the other angler offers to flip, check his quarter first. Similarly, a two-sided tape measure, properly used, can help one win fishing bets. A Gummy worm tossed in a can of night crawlers always gets a hearty laugh, but there is a very practical reason for it. After you run out of bait, the Gummy carries crawler scent to keep you fishing.

On my blog at riverseek.blogspot.com, a favorite was a salmon costume for my dog. I wrote, “This is Toby, my Jack Russell, sans dorsal fin, pectoral fins, and tail. This morning I invented a way to test the drag on my new fishing reel, which, if it catches on, will make me an overnight millionaire so I can fish whenever I want. Here's how it works. Put the salmon costume on your dog. Tie your line to the top of his collar. Toss some carrots in the yard. Wait for bunnies. When bunnies appear, open the door and let your dog out. You will know right away how smooth your drag is, and how much you need to tighten or loosen it. You may even get a few laughs out of the neighbors!”

Holey waders can be used on your too-talkative neighbor who fished with you once, and you never want to ask you again. If you made it this far in my article, fishing may be your second religion, but this guy has never even set foot in church. You can get holey waders in the thrift store when you’re getting the broken watch, or cut tiny holes in them yourself. December and January are the best months to try this ploy. If you can’t find old waders, you could also use a reel with no brake, a rod with the tip guide worn or honed razor sharp, or fill a bug repellent bottle with lemon or lime juice during mosquito season.

Plaster grizzly track replicas, pressed carefully in mud or sand, help minimize angler traffic – and here is the amazing part – even in urban areas where there probably hasn’t been a grizzly for three hundred years. Toss in a few Gummy worms and half ripped up underwear for added effect. The best nontraditional fisherman I knew was Stewart who, after being repeatedly skunked, offered another angler cash for a fish, gradually increasing the amount until it was accepted, thus preserving Stew’s reputation as a master angler who wasn’t. Your Fish and Game Department may prohibit this, or may have rules such as a legal signature and fishing license number, which, found in laundry, may require a creative explanation.

Scott T. Starbuck’s blog Trees, Fish, and Dreams is at riverseek.blogspot.com His fishing articles and poems have appeared in Yale Anglers´ Journal, Salmon Trout Steelheader, The Sunday Oregonian, Talking River at Lewis-Clark State College, Cascadia Review, and The Raven Chronicles in Seattle. His book of fishing poems, River Walker, in local libraries, sold out in less than a year. His next book of fishing poems, Lost Salmon, is forthcoming from MoonPath Press in Kingston, WA, in 2016.